Sunday, May 22, 2016

This, I Demand! Kindergarten Cop 2

After that 12 day stretch, I was really ready to kick back a bit. I caught a few minutes of The Expendables and EX II on Spike, picked up an Escape Plan t-shirt at a garage sale then called it a day by watching Dolph Lundgren's latest starring effort, Kindergarten Cop 2, sequel to Arnold's 1990 hit. Universal has been cranking out Direct To Video fare for the likes of Death Race, The Scorpion King, Jarhead and along with Cop 2, has a Hard Target follow up coming. Stars like Michael Biehn, Danny Trejo, Mickey Rourke and Luke Goss appear in these I'm guessing shot in 4 weeks for around $5 million bones efforts. Kindergarten Cop 2 is now available to stream on Netflix as well as Amazon. With whiskey in hand, I sat down to live blog this baby:


- Directed by Don Michael Paul, writer of HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN!
- Imagine Entertainment title card?! They really must need the credits after recent Chris Hemsworth misfires Rush (excellent flick) and costly flop In the Heart of the Sea (haven't seen it).
- Ok, blonde chick in a crappy hotel room, Dolph's chick or daughter? Oh yeah, it's his chick. Dolph be looking good though so it adds up.
- Guy playing Zogu looks familiar, was he in Assassination Games? Oh no, it's Aleks Paunovic, the a-hole karate dad in This Means War.
- Dolph just kneed a dude in the first fight scene, now give me a Dolph roundhouse kick!
- Bill Bellamy as Dolph's wise cracking, has 5 kids partner. From MTV personality to actor in stuff like How to Be a Player and Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday.
- Huh, Dolph's character is a bit of a dog in this flick.
- Is that the Space Needle? We in Seattle?! Yup ,we are. Pretty sure it was shot in Vancouver though.
- Dolph's Zack Reed lives by the water in a trailer, drives a classic car and has a rudimentary gym set up of weights and punching bag.
- Oh shit, Dolph is working out by the water. MAXIMUM POTENTIAL throwback! Or possible teaser for a sequel since his book finally came out? I could be the Perfect Man...
- Holy crap, so many writers...oh, David H. Steinberg and three who wrote original.
- Dolph is strutting into the office, now give me a patented Dolph nod.
- Dolph and Bellamy are skeezy cool together. He didn't really like that blonde chick earlier, act-ting!
- Oh man, Dolph is about to shoot the vending machine after his Twix bar got stuck. That happened to me once, but I lifted it from the top/front to try and slam it down and rattle my booty loose but instead the machine turned off and needed to be reset...
- Shoot that f*cking thieving vending machine! Oh yeah, screaming lieutenant guy, couldn't they get Bill Duke for this? Or Faizon Love?
- Gunfight in the dark! There's also a lot of music in this flick.
- Oh man, Dolph and Bellamy are using that shitbag vending machine as an armored transport, reminds me of Double Team when a Coke machine saved JCVD and Dennis Rodman...
- Ok, Dolph is eating a Twix now, this is some interesting product placement.
- Surprised by the character nuances with chocolate and screaming lieutenant's schtick of putting gum behind his ear.
- Alright, Dolph is going undercover at a prestigious kindergarten to find a flash drive containing a stolen FBI database. Said school costs 50 grand a year. One of these little @$$holes better cure cancer or invent the flying car.
- Aw Damme, throwback to original film with a little kid talking about girls having a vagina.
- Dolph eating a Twix! I wonder if Dolph actually eats that kind of cheap, refined crap in real life.
- In original, school is in Astoria, Oregon, a single parent capital. Here, everybody just thinks Dolph is hot and muscular. Both stories check out.
- Darla Taylor has some white teeth, is also young enough to be a daughter or lover. Looks like she's a lover. And is totally Canadian. Ab-out.
- All these political correct gags are probably supposed to be funny but really it's the wussified world we live in, isn't it? As Tim Allen said, "GET OVER IT!"
- Uh, subtitles are extremely unnecessary for the Asian kid. Is this racism masquerading as humor?
- Life lessons with Dolph: Sharing is overrated, you're better than some people, air punch! Liberals!
- Dolph's character Reed does 90 minutes of weights and cardio, bring on the gluten you babies.
- Peanut allergies! I know this pain, have we always been so weak? This is a strange metaphor for our modern times and not in a good way.
- Dolph front kick! Oh shoot he's yelling, go into Andrew Scott monologue, "kiss ass, or kick ass"!
- Dolph just snapped his fingers at Bill Bellamy and promises not to bone his young, cute co-worker chick, cause we all know he could if he wanted.
- Surprisingly tender first date conversation about hooking up and Dolph's muscles.
- Oh what, they go line dancing?! This movie checks off a lot of Dolph firsts or forgotten abouts, last time I can think he dealt with kids and danced was in John Woo's Blackjack.
- Oh man, bad guy showed up and is talking to Dolph's chick. Rip his heart out, Dolph! Roosters Country Cabaret, is that real place in Vancouver? It is, has a very low Yelp rating.
- Ah, they turned the abusive dad plot point on it's head. Some real life sh!t.
- Acrostic poem? Like when Arnold said F*ck You to that one guy?
- Fight in the water, class dismissed, bitch.

It's been a long time since I've actually watched a Direct to Video flick but Universal seems to have a better sense of quality control than most others. Kindergarten Cop 2 has some fun moments, mostly of Dolph getting to do something different, be a little funny with a capable supporting cast, some decent action and making use of a beautiful school and natural locales. 

1 comment:

  1. It has been months since he cleared out his Phoenix kindergarten and my kid is as of now still asking to head off to class, and telling stories of things that he's done with his kindergarten instructor. He always asks to see her.

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