Thursday, June 11, 2015

BuzzFlick: Gin and Jurassic Park III

Jurassic World opens tonight and I have my overpriced ticket for Cinemark's version of Fake IMAX. Gotta get my time in at the new Playa Vista location before Whole Foods opens and ruins it for everyone. Unlike AMC or The Arclight, Cinemark does not offer any kind of reward program so any money you drop there does not get anything back for you. Anyways, everybody has seen Jurassic Park but I missed III in theaters and watched it on DVD once so it was time to revisit. With some No. Ten Gin from Tanqueray I got ready to head back to 2001 and while finishing the bottle I observed the following:

- Opening scene is a guy and a kid para sailing near the Jurassic Park Islands. Hey, the guy is Davis (Mark Harelik) from hit 90's sitcom Wings! Name of the company is Dino-Soar. CLASSIC.
- Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) and Dr. Alan Grant (mother fudging Sam Neil) aren't together anymore?! When the hell did this happen?!
- Sam Neil, you da man. Grant role was offered to Harrison Ford?! Think of that!
- Alessandro Nivola as Grant's sidekick aka Pollox Troy from Face/Off! Tongue sammich anyone?
 - Whoa, 2001 3D printer prototype for raptor skull whistle!
- Practical raptor sitting on plane, gah!
- Movie is pretty violent with some nice thrills and scares. Nice mix of CGI and puppets.
- That dinosaur was like, "gonna have to roll it"! (Plane cabin to get the humans out)
- It's like a reverse horror movie, instead of sexually promiscuous getting deaded, guys with guns do. Or like sport!
- That little kid Eric (Trevor Morgan) is from The Patriot! You know? The Patriot? Where Mel Gibson is the best dad in the universe? Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin's final collaboration? Hold on let me find you a clip. (Pauses to watch Mel Gibson being a fucking awesome dad)
- Aliens reference with the tube in the lab and the dead specimen not being dead!
- William H. Macy from Tim Allen's Wild Hogs ladies and gentlemen!
- Tea Leoni, so awkward hot in Bad Boys, you hear 3 is being written by Joe Carnahan?
- You climb K2 brah? You know Michael Biehn and Matt Craven, brah?
-  Joe Johnston directed, hell yeah! Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Jumanji, The Rocketeer, Captain America and Hidalgo with VIGGGGGOOOOO!
- John Diehl from Miami Vice! Eaten! This movie is pretty violent!
- Michael Jeter from Tango and Cash! Synthesizer! Gun boots! RV from hell!
- Man Tea Leoni needs to listen to Dr. Grant and stop being dumb.
- Uh that dinosaur just broke Jeter's neck after they already mauled and stabbed him to death. Shit.
- Allegedly cost $93 million to make and grossed $181 in the states and $363 million worldwide. Good enough for #9 for the year behind the likes of Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Rush Hour 2, Mummy Returns, Pearl Harbor and Ocean's Eleven.
- Way better than Lost World by lack of Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) and his annoying ass daughter.
- Aliens again with little kid living in duct hiding from creatures.
- That is one big can of pork and beans.
- Malcolm was high on himself and everything about chaos..."fuck Jeff Goldblum".
- That dinosaur was straight eavesdropping! They seem so mean and bitter and...human in this!
- Oh man Pollux is hiding something, maybe it's some nitro, get it out of the sun!
- Aw shit. Literally. Walked into the wrong bird cage...
- Can't believe Pollux just left him like that! Oh he's actually rescuing The Patriot kid...
- Dr. Grant just Van Damme'd that Pterodactyl with a crescent kick to the face!
- That pterodactyl just turned and looked into my soul.
- I feel like I'd leave my shirt untucked if I was running for my life from killer dinosaurs and just saw my friend get pecked to death by a bunch of asshole dinosaurs. But that's why he's Dr. Grant and I'm some guy blogging and dranking.
- Majestic stegosaurus shot with Jurassic Park theme, awwwoooo!
- Digging through steaming piles of shit looking for a lifeline satellite phone, it's like a reality show waiting to happen. Red faced unicorn dinosaur just showed up too and leaves.
- Barney is on TV. Kids love that purple dinosaur. Like they love Jean-Claude Van Damme.
- I wonder how many full size animatronic dinosaurs they built for this show. Where are they now?
- Punch that raptor, Tea Leoni! Establish dominance!
- The Navy and The Marines showed up, where the hell is Michael Biehn?!
- Oh shit the dactyls are out and headed to your house!
- Alexander Payne co-wrote?! Mother fucking Sideways up in here. You ever drink red wine with Sprite and or Coke? Really gives it some effervescence.
- Larry Franco produced. Kurt Russell's former brother in law, producer of Tango & Cash, Big Trouble In Little China and Batman Begins.

Well that was a fast and surprisingly exciting and slightly harrowing 90 minutes. Bring on World!

No comments:

Post a Comment